


achilles come down

by butimalsonothappy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:34:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimalsonothappy/pseuds/butimalsonothappy
Summary: He knew he wasn't okay. He was sitting on the rooftop of a building that he owned and debating jumping. You didn't have to be a scientist to see what was wrong.He just had to figure out how to be okay before his mind made the decision for him.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Kudos: 15





	achilles come down

**Author's Note:**

> obviously a suicide warning, there's no attempt, it is just thought about. there's a panic attack in here and some drinking. set after infinity war. this has been a wip for about 2 months so enjoy.

**achilles**

**achilles**

**achilles come down, won't you?**

**get up off**

**get up off the roof**

**you're scaring us**

**and all of us**

**some of us love you**

**achilles, it's not much but there's proof**

Tony can't remember a time before Peter was gone. He can't bear to think about it. It hurts too much to think of Peter's teenage innocence, thinking he knew everything when he'd barely seen the world yet. So many things had gone unsaid between them, and Tony knows he's going to spend the rest of his life thinking about the things he wishes he'd said. 

And he never quite expected to find himself on the roof of the Avengers Tower (he never did manage to part with it.) Much less had he expected to find himself on the roof exactly two weeks after he finally returned from space. Pepper and Steve had kept him on strict bedrest to make sure he was okay before he was left to himself again.

And even less expected was the fact that he was sitting only four feet from the edge. He knew that just a few bad steps could mean the end, but still he sat. 

He knew Pepper would be up eventually. That FRIDAY would find out he was on the roof and alert her. He just hoped she didn't come before he made his decision. 

"Tony? FRIDAY said you were up here?" Pepper's heels clicked on the stone as she made her way to the other side of the roof. 

Ah. There she was. Tony sighed before he spoke, "Hm?" It's all he could possibly muster up the energy to say.

Pepper seemed to notice. As she sat down on his right and wrapped an arm around him, she said, "Tony, I don't know why you're so close to the edge without your suit, but I love you. You have to know. Rhodey would say he loved you if you called him right now. And Happy does, too. No matter how much he denies it if you ask."

She always seemed to know exactly what was wrong and how to fix it. He admired that about her. "I'm fine, Pep. Just...stargazing." He could hear the lie in his own voice, there was no way she was falling for it. 

"Is this about Peter?"

Tony couldn't answer. 

Pepper understood why. "Well if you're sure you're okay, I'm going to go back inside. Keep this here." She wrapped the nanotech suit-watch onto his wrist and kissed his head before walking back towards the door. 

**remember your virtue**

**redemption lies plainly in truth**

Tony knew he had morals to keep, business deals to make, people to make happy, and a problem to solve for all of humanity. But how was he supposed to do that when he couldn't even make himself happy?

He knew all he had to do was tell Pepper how he felt. He knew she'd immediately hire someone for him to talk to. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. She'd been at his bedside for two weeks, he can't bother her again. 

**the self is not so weightless**

**nor whole or unbroken**

He knew he wasn't okay. He was sitting on the rooftop of a building that he owned and debating jumping. You didn't have to be a scientist to see what was wrong. 

He just had to figure out how to be okay before his mind made the decision for him.

**where you go**

**i'm going**

**so jump and i'm jumping**

**since there is no me without you**

Tony isn't sure how to move on from a loss this big. Sure he'd lost his parents, but he'd never truly moved on. All he did was distract himself from the suffering. But this time was different. He can't possibly distract himself from the loss of half of the world and Peter. 

Tony finally realises what he's been scared to admit this whole time. He really cares about Peter. In an almost parental way. How is he expected to move on from the loss of his ~~son~~ intern?

**hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone**

**engage with the pain as a motive**

Tony knows he should take this pain and put it into something helpful, something useful. He just can't find it in himself to move from the edge. 

He realizes, in that moment, that he's only ever known the edge. He's never been able to be safe and peaceful and comforted in the middle of the figurative plateau. He's only known the feeling of balancing on one foot on the edge of the plateau, about to fall and be at peace with himself, only to somehow be saved every time.

He finds it oddly comforting to think of the anger of being saved from the fatal fall.

**achilles**

**achilles**

**achilles**

**jump now**

**you are absent of cause**

**or excuse**

Logically Tony knows this wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have stopped it no matter what powers or suits or tools he had. Dr. Strange had said that they only had 1 reality in which they won. Tony sickly wonders if he'd be reincarnated in that reality if he jumped now.

**so self-indulgent**

**and self-referential**

**no audience could ever want you**

**you crave the applause**

**yet hate the attention**

**then miss it, your act is a ruse**

Tony doesn't want to think about his first press meeting after the snap in a few days. He has to address what happened, but he can't think about it at all. How can he be expected to give a speech if he won't think about it?

He can't kill himself three days before a press meeting. Pepper will resurrect him and kill him herself if he did that. He clumsily pushes himself away from the edge and stands on shaky legs. There will be plenty of other days to jump, now he has to make Pepper think he's okay.

He takes one last longing, desperate look towards the ground below him before stumbling towards the roof door. He can't afford to die right now.

**achilles**

**achilles**

**achilles**

**just put down the bottle**

**don't listen to what you've consumed**

He means to go find Pepper, he really does. But instead he hears someone on the new station from the T.V. talking about the snap and suddenly his chest is constricted.

He can't do this anymore. He all but runs to the bar on the far side of the kitchen, grabbing whatever bottle he finds first. He starts chugging it without thinking of the consequences, his mind on a constant loop of you did this to him, you killed peter, you deserve the pain, you deserve to die.

**it's chaos, confusion**

**and wholly unworthy**

**of feeding and it's wholly untrue**

Logically? Tony knows his thoughts are ridiculous. They always have been, why else would he stay on the edge of the figurative plateau? He's just protecting everyone else, isn't he?

**you may feel no purpose**

**nor a point for existing**

**it's all just conjecture and gloom**

**and there may not be meaning**

**so find one and seize it**

**do not waste yourself on this roof**

Tony wants to die. There's no question to it anymore, now it's a fact. Maybe if he dies he can see Peter again. Even if he doesn't it might take the pain away.

But he can't do that to Pepper. He can't do that to Peter. He can't do that to Happy or Rhodey. He can't do that to the millions of people who are counting on him to fix this mess.

**feel your breath course frankly below**

**see life as a worthy opponent**

Tony remembers he can't breathe when his head rushes and, for a terrifying moment, he thinks he may pass out in a puddle of alcohol. 

He grabs his chest before hearing the telltale clicking of Pepper's heels on the floor. 

"Tony! FRIDAY said it was bad but I didn't think it got this bad." Pepper seemed to lower her concern into anger after seeing the alcohol. 

"Can't….breathe...Pep, help." Tony all but chokes on his own voice when he tries to talk through the breathlessness. 

"Okay, okay. Tony, you're safe. Your you're standing in the Avengers Tower in New York. Do you feel my hand on yours right now?" She pauses and waits for him to nod and then continues, "Good. Now your hand is on my chest, pay attention to my heartbeat and the breathing motions. Copy that. In and out. In and out. In and out."

Pepper repeats this for a few minutes, though it feels like hours in Tony's time-blind mind. "Thanks, Pep. I'm so sorry." Tony hurriedly apologizes for making her save him again.

Pepper hugs him and Tony realizes he doesn't feel like dying when he's in her arms. Maybe he'll stay a little longer.

**you dense motherfucker (you're worth more achilles)**

**you will not be more**

**than a rat in the gutter (so much more than a rat)**

"Tony. We have to talk about this. I know you have this barrier, but this is bordering on self-destructive. You're better than this and you know it. You're worth so much more than whatever thoughts you have behind those eyes. Remember that." Pepper kisses him on the cheek and presses him closer to her as if she's scared he's going to die right then ans there in her arms.

**throw yourself into the unknown**

**with pace and a fury defiant**

**clothe yourself in a beauty untold**

**and see life as a means to be a triumph**

**today of all days**

**see**

Three weeks later and things are better. He doesn't have the same smile he did a few months ago, but it's better, slowly better.

Pepper makes him talk to a therapist every few days to make sure he's eating and sleeping. She makes sure he takes showers and doesn't overwork himself in the lab. If he can't do something? She does it for him without batting an eye at him. He loves her for that. 

He knows he can't always have good days. One day he didn't get out of bed until four p.m. despite having woken up at six a.m. from a few hours of sleep. He didn't shower that day, but he ate enough to not pass out.

Soon he'll be given the doctor's clear to get back to work in the lab. He thinks he might have an idea to make things better. 

**how the most dangerous thing is to love**

**how you will heal and you'll rise above**

One month since he found himself on the edge of the roof ready to jump and he's tremendously better. He can work in the lab now without having the thought to shove a screwdriver through his chest to end everything. 

That was a bad day, he doesn't like to think about it while he's getting better. All he knows is that he doesn't want to die anymore on most days. And that's one of his biggest accomplishments in this godforsaken terrible life he's been given. 

**crowned by an overture bold and beyond**

**ah, it's more courageous to overcome**

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry about this


End file.
